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Why so fat?

January 29, 2009 1 comment

I don’t know whether it’s because I turned 40 last summer or whether it’s because I am making huge changes to my appearance by losing weight, or whether it’s just the ‘right time’, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, particularly over the past few days. It’s sort of like, taking stock, trying to organise my brain, trying to find the answer to life, the universe and everything (which anyone who has read or seen Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy will know the answer is 42!). Unfortunately, 42 isn’t quite a good enough answer for me.

The odd thing is, that I’ve always cared about my appearance. I’ve always done my hair and makeup. I’ve always made sure my clothes were ‘nice’, even at the larger end of the scale, well until I could only get in what was available. So why, if I care about my appearance so much have I let myself get so fat? Is it wrapping a blanket around my insecurities? Am I climbing into a cocoon? and if so, why? What am I trying to protect myself from? And why am I so insecure? I wonder if the outer-casing, strangely, gives me confidence to be who I am. Everyone has always said what a bubbly, happy go lucky person I am. I’m always laughing and smiling. In fact, I started a sign language course a few years ago and we all had ‘signed’ names. The course instructor gave me the sign name of smiler.  So why do I abuse myself so much by over-eating and getting so fat?

I am looking for excuses and I’m sure I could sit here and pull 101 excuses out, but in reality, they are just excuses. At the end of the day, I’m fat because I eat too much of the wrong things. I seem to have a switch off mechanism so that I don’t even realise I’m eating things. Not now, obviously since I started on the ‘new me’ journey, but prior to that, I would get a packet of biscuits out of the cupboard (not just a couple of biscuits!) and I’d enjoy the first two, then before I knew it and without even realising it I’d gone through the whole packet. Why? I didn’t enjoy them because I didn’t even notice I was eating them. So it wasn’t for comfort because if you don’t realise you’re eating something it’s not going to be comforting is it? The upshot of it all is I’m just greedy! Why have a twix when you can get a king size twix? Why have one king size twix when you can have two? because you know you like them, even though you don’t notice you’re eating the second one. You can’t leave it sat in the packet. And even if you’ve eaten three of the twix sticks, you can’t leave the fourth one in the packet all alone now can you? Well actually.. yes you can! And this is what I have to learn. I can have the things I want, but I have to get a grip and eat them in moderation, not pig out on the whole lot because it’s there.

One of the worst things I find I do is I will binge when I’m alone. I’d rather people didn’t see me eat (alarms ringing for an eating disorder there or what?). I hate people seeing me eat. Does this come from being self conscious of what people think when they see a fat person eat? The ‘look at that fat cow stuffing her face even more? No wonder she’s so fat!’ I don’t know, but I never let anyone see me eat more than 2 biscuits, not even my hubby. But I’d go back into the kitchen and eat 3 or 4 more without him seeing. How stupid is that? Just greedy! There is absolutely no need for it. oink oink!

So, no more binging. I don’t have to feel guilty if I buy a twix (not kingsize!) because eating a twix is fine, it’s the three that follow it that becomes the problem.

No more excuses for myself, acceptance is the next step.

Gok Wan

January 28, 2009 Leave a comment

Now I love this guy! I’d love to be his best friend. He is the saviour to all fatties in the world. His mission is to get everyone to be happy in their own bodies whatever size or shape they are. Come and live with me Gok! LOL

Anyway… I digress.

Last night Gok presented a TV problem about teenagers being obsese. Gok himself had been an obese teenager hitting 21 stone at his biggest. Who would have thought that the now slim and trim Gok could have been so overweight. Throughout the programme he talked about himself and his feelings about himself and his obesity. He actually shut 7 years of his life out because it was too painful. I can relate to that! Luckily though, I wasn’t bullied for being overweight. Although I was a size 14 at school (never a rake I’m afraid) I only put vast amounts of weight on when I had my first baby.

The programme was very good, and I enjoyed listening to Gok revealing his self esteem problems and lack of confidence, even as a slim person.

Mark watched the programme with me and a lot of the time there were ‘humphs’ coming from the sofa. He didn’t agree with what was being said and he couldn’t understand how these 30 stone teenagers (15 yrs old) were thinking of suicide. Mark is very much a problem solution guy. Here’s the problem and here’s how you fix it. But in real life, the solution doesn’t always work because there are so many factors that branch off, you don’t know how to deal with the branches to be able to get to the root of the problem.

Gok also briefly interviewed the other fat person’s saviour, Dawn French. Dawn is happy in her body, she doesn’t care (she says she doesn’t) about what size she is and that the main thing is YOU have to be happy with the size you are.  Dawn says, it’s ok to be fat if you’re happy with it. So Mark said, she’s right. Yes she is right, but how many fatties are actually happy with being the size they are? I know I’m not.

So this all led on to a discussion with Mark. OMG… talk about raw nerves and making me feel so uncomfortable. But I know I need to talk about it. I am not a talker by nature, despite what those that know me might say.. I’m a surface talker. Very rarely do you get ‘inside’ my head and find out my real thoughts and emotions about myself. I don’t like what’s in there so I don’t discuss it, especially when it comes to my weight, size and what is obviously an eating disorder.

Mark and I don’t often talk this indepth on very personal matters because we are both very defensive and both struggle to handle these innermost demons. But, talk we did, and I didn’t end up in tears.. first achievement! I did get up and wander around while talking LOL, and I did tell him that I was very uncomfortable and in deep water in a place I didn’t like to be. The normal bolshy, single minded, pig headed husband that I have actually listened. I tried to explain that I didn’t really know how to talk about my eating problems and that it might come out a bit jumbled and all over the place.

Mark is worried that when I get to a weight that I’m comfortable with, that I will have problems dealing with a normal eating pattern. I know that I am going to have to attend Slimming World for the rest of my life, even when I’m at target weight, whatever that may be when I get there. Lets face it, target weight is still a long way off when I still have 7 stone to lose!  He doesn’t seem to understand that SW helps and teaches you how to maintain a healthy weight. I think Mark’s biggest concern is that I’m not dealing with the crux of the problem of why I over-eat, binge, pig out.. whatever you want to call it. He’s concerned about my self esteem, how I can improve it, why I feel I have to lose so much weight, why I’ve never been happy with myself no matter what weight I am.

There’s no way I can deal with a self esteem issue when I look like this. So in my mind, that door is closed and locked tightly thank you very much, and I will open the door when I feel better about how I look and then face the problems, deal with them and hopefully sort them out.

One thing that did come from the conversation last night is that I put weight on after I’ve had a baby. Now there’s a problem solved! Don’t have any more babies… LOL At 40 years old, there’s no way I’m having anymore babies thank you very much. Again this comes back to the good old female hormones! I have produced baby, I will now nurture baby, I no longer need to reproduce, so I no longer need to look attractive to caveman in the house, and voila.. I let myself go. Baby gets to 2 or 3 years old, hormones kick back in ready to reproduce again, brain says.. omg you fat cow, do something to be attractive to caveman again, and out come the diet books. The circle of life? Not this time! This is going to be the rest of my life, which doesn’t include more babies unless they are grandchildren. I am determined to get to a comfortable weight, where I look good in the clothes I want to wear not the clothes I have to wear because they fit (sort of) and then I will tackle the head demons and control the urge to binge.