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Posts Tagged ‘esteem’

Why so fat?

January 29, 2009 1 comment

I don’t know whether it’s because I turned 40 last summer or whether it’s because I am making huge changes to my appearance by losing weight, or whether it’s just the ‘right time’, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, particularly over the past few days. It’s sort of like, taking stock, trying to organise my brain, trying to find the answer to life, the universe and everything (which anyone who has read or seen Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy will know the answer is 42!). Unfortunately, 42 isn’t quite a good enough answer for me.

The odd thing is, that I’ve always cared about my appearance. I’ve always done my hair and makeup. I’ve always made sure my clothes were ‘nice’, even at the larger end of the scale, well until I could only get in what was available. So why, if I care about my appearance so much have I let myself get so fat? Is it wrapping a blanket around my insecurities? Am I climbing into a cocoon? and if so, why? What am I trying to protect myself from? And why am I so insecure? I wonder if the outer-casing, strangely, gives me confidence to be who I am. Everyone has always said what a bubbly, happy go lucky person I am. I’m always laughing and smiling. In fact, I started a sign language course a few years ago and we all had ‘signed’ names. The course instructor gave me the sign name of smiler.  So why do I abuse myself so much by over-eating and getting so fat?

I am looking for excuses and I’m sure I could sit here and pull 101 excuses out, but in reality, they are just excuses. At the end of the day, I’m fat because I eat too much of the wrong things. I seem to have a switch off mechanism so that I don’t even realise I’m eating things. Not now, obviously since I started on the ‘new me’ journey, but prior to that, I would get a packet of biscuits out of the cupboard (not just a couple of biscuits!) and I’d enjoy the first two, then before I knew it and without even realising it I’d gone through the whole packet. Why? I didn’t enjoy them because I didn’t even notice I was eating them. So it wasn’t for comfort because if you don’t realise you’re eating something it’s not going to be comforting is it? The upshot of it all is I’m just greedy! Why have a twix when you can get a king size twix? Why have one king size twix when you can have two? because you know you like them, even though you don’t notice you’re eating the second one. You can’t leave it sat in the packet. And even if you’ve eaten three of the twix sticks, you can’t leave the fourth one in the packet all alone now can you? Well actually.. yes you can! And this is what I have to learn. I can have the things I want, but I have to get a grip and eat them in moderation, not pig out on the whole lot because it’s there.

One of the worst things I find I do is I will binge when I’m alone. I’d rather people didn’t see me eat (alarms ringing for an eating disorder there or what?). I hate people seeing me eat. Does this come from being self conscious of what people think when they see a fat person eat? The ‘look at that fat cow stuffing her face even more? No wonder she’s so fat!’ I don’t know, but I never let anyone see me eat more than 2 biscuits, not even my hubby. But I’d go back into the kitchen and eat 3 or 4 more without him seeing. How stupid is that? Just greedy! There is absolutely no need for it. oink oink!

So, no more binging. I don’t have to feel guilty if I buy a twix (not kingsize!) because eating a twix is fine, it’s the three that follow it that becomes the problem.

No more excuses for myself, acceptance is the next step.