Monday-itis

My mood is a bit lower than normal this morning. Not grumpy, just a bit .. meh I guess.

It’s been a busy weekend (I won’t bore you with details as it wasn’t exiting stuff) although there was a bonus of my daughter and grandson coming to stay.

Food wise, I’ve been fine. I always am. I still have a long way to go, so my mindset is in for the long haul and I don’t cheat. In the past when I’ve tried to lose weight, once I started cheating I’d go off the rails and start eating everything in sight. I am no longer that person psychologically. My brain is different these days. I’m not saying I’m an angel who will never eat anything off plan ever again.. However, I am addicted to food and it would be so easy to go back to binge eating to satisfy that little voice in my head that used to tell me to eat all the bad things because I’m worth it. I’m not worth it.. I’m worth more than that. I’m worth having a healthy lifestyle. I’m worth being able to walk around all day and do the things I choose to do rather than being sat in a chair, too fat to move. Unable to walk more than 50 yards because my back felt like it was breaking. My son and I went to Chester for the day with our cameras taking photographs. This is a first for us. We both had a great day and it felt like going home to me to be able to walk around taking photographs again. I’d forgotten I love photography, but so so happy to have found it again.

Food addiction is like any other kind of addiction whether it be drugs or alcohol. They slowly destroy you. Your brain tells you you need the things to make you feel better/help you cope/love yourself/be a nicer person to be around, when in reality these things are destroying you. I didn’t care that the food addiction was destroying me, but I do now. Six stone lighter and I’m a different person already. Imagine how I’ll be in another six stones time. My confidence is really so much better. I don’t feel downtrodden and out of control of my life now. It’s great to be able to control what I eat and when I eat rather than it controlling me. It no longer shouts my name from the cupboards or fridge all day. I look forward to my healthy meals. I enjoy the taste of my food. And I enjoy that I can lose weight eating this way. (I’ve just read that back to myself and can’t believe it’s me who actually feels this way lol). I have taken control of parts of my life that were leading me to turn to food for comfort, for what I thought gave me emotional stability. I think It was like wrapping myself in a bit blanket, except the blanket was fat. I wish I’d dealt with it years ago. Having a very controlling, manipulative, narcissistic person in your life doesn’t allow you to have freedom of thought, or if you do, you are told immediately that you are wrong. Years and years of this is soul destroying, so you turn to self comfort.. in the form of calories. When I look back, how on earth could I go and buy the huge family size bars of galaxy chocolate and just eat it to myself then hide the wrapper so no one knew I’d eaten it? No one saw me buy it, no one saw me eat it, so therefore it didn’t exist. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still love to dive into a galaxy bar now, but I know it’s not a good way to live your life, but I’m in control of that now. I could have some galaxy chocolate and thoroughly enjoy it, but I would be happy with a small bar. That said, the feeling I get from the scales saying I’ve lost weight is a far better feeling than I’d get from any bar of chocolate. That’s what keeps me on plan. Nothing tastes better than the feeling you get when you see you’ve lost more pounds.

And on that note, TTFN (ta ta for now)

Ann-Marie xxx