Posts Tagged ‘binge’

Gok Wan

January 28, 2009 Leave a comment

Now I love this guy! I’d love to be his best friend. He is the saviour to all fatties in the world. His mission is to get everyone to be happy in their own bodies whatever size or shape they are. Come and live with me Gok! LOL

Anyway… I digress.

Last night Gok presented a TV problem about teenagers being obsese. Gok himself had been an obese teenager hitting 21 stone at his biggest. Who would have thought that the now slim and trim Gok could have been so overweight. Throughout the programme he talked about himself and his feelings about himself and his obesity. He actually shut 7 years of his life out because it was too painful. I can relate to that! Luckily though, I wasn’t bullied for being overweight. Although I was a size 14 at school (never a rake I’m afraid) I only put vast amounts of weight on when I had my first baby.

The programme was very good, and I enjoyed listening to Gok revealing his self esteem problems and lack of confidence, even as a slim person.

Mark watched the programme with me and a lot of the time there were ‘humphs’ coming from the sofa. He didn’t agree with what was being said and he couldn’t understand how these 30 stone teenagers (15 yrs old) were thinking of suicide. Mark is very much a problem solution guy. Here’s the problem and here’s how you fix it. But in real life, the solution doesn’t always work because there are so many factors that branch off, you don’t know how to deal with the branches to be able to get to the root of the problem.

Gok also briefly interviewed the other fat person’s saviour, Dawn French. Dawn is happy in her body, she doesn’t care (she says she doesn’t) about what size she is and that the main thing is YOU have to be happy with the size you are.  Dawn says, it’s ok to be fat if you’re happy with it. So Mark said, she’s right. Yes she is right, but how many fatties are actually happy with being the size they are? I know I’m not.

So this all led on to a discussion with Mark. OMG… talk about raw nerves and making me feel so uncomfortable. But I know I need to talk about it. I am not a talker by nature, despite what those that know me might say.. I’m a surface talker. Very rarely do you get ‘inside’ my head and find out my real thoughts and emotions about myself. I don’t like what’s in there so I don’t discuss it, especially when it comes to my weight, size and what is obviously an eating disorder.

Mark and I don’t often talk this indepth on very personal matters because we are both very defensive and both struggle to handle these innermost demons. But, talk we did, and I didn’t end up in tears.. first achievement! I did get up and wander around while talking LOL, and I did tell him that I was very uncomfortable and in deep water in a place I didn’t like to be. The normal bolshy, single minded, pig headed husband that I have actually listened. I tried to explain that I didn’t really know how to talk about my eating problems and that it might come out a bit jumbled and all over the place.

Mark is worried that when I get to a weight that I’m comfortable with, that I will have problems dealing with a normal eating pattern. I know that I am going to have to attend Slimming World for the rest of my life, even when I’m at target weight, whatever that may be when I get there. Lets face it, target weight is still a long way off when I still have 7 stone to lose!  He doesn’t seem to understand that SW helps and teaches you how to maintain a healthy weight. I think Mark’s biggest concern is that I’m not dealing with the crux of the problem of why I over-eat, binge, pig out.. whatever you want to call it. He’s concerned about my self esteem, how I can improve it, why I feel I have to lose so much weight, why I’ve never been happy with myself no matter what weight I am.

There’s no way I can deal with a self esteem issue when I look like this. So in my mind, that door is closed and locked tightly thank you very much, and I will open the door when I feel better about how I look and then face the problems, deal with them and hopefully sort them out.

One thing that did come from the conversation last night is that I put weight on after I’ve had a baby. Now there’s a problem solved! Don’t have any more babies… LOL At 40 years old, there’s no way I’m having anymore babies thank you very much. Again this comes back to the good old female hormones! I have produced baby, I will now nurture baby, I no longer need to reproduce, so I no longer need to look attractive to caveman in the house, and voila.. I let myself go. Baby gets to 2 or 3 years old, hormones kick back in ready to reproduce again, brain says.. omg you fat cow, do something to be attractive to caveman again, and out come the diet books. The circle of life? Not this time! This is going to be the rest of my life, which doesn’t include more babies unless they are grandchildren. I am determined to get to a comfortable weight, where I look good in the clothes I want to wear not the clothes I have to wear because they fit (sort of) and then I will tackle the head demons and control the urge to binge.