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Day One (again)

September 30, 2009 1 comment

I woke up this morning with that ‘something on my mind, something is happening today’ feeling.  My 4 year old had wandered into our bedroom and woke me, albeit very nicely with a kiss. I woke up too fast. Do you ever get that? Something wakes you up and you ‘ping’. Your brain goes into what? Why? where? when? mode and you’re not quite sure where you are, whether you’re coming or going or if you’ve been. Well it was like that. Once I managed to gain some sort of control on my brain racing at a billion miles an hour I realised it was not even 7 o’clock (thank you darling angel child!) and then I remembered.. ahhh back on the diet. No.. correction, back onto a healthy eating regime. (sheesh, I’ll never get the hang of not calling it a diet).

I always struggle to eat breakfast. My breakfast is three coffee’s (not all in the same mug obviously) and three ciggies (oh yes, that vile, evil, disgusting, anti-social habit). So after the cafeine and nicotine fix, I start to feel human again. Take daughter off to school (yay! she’s full time now) and decide where to start this morning. I really should start with breakfast.. nah, I’ll just have a coffee first. So breakfast (fruit n’ fibre today.. posh) actually happened about 10.30am. This is still earlier than I’d normally eat my first ‘thing’ of the day. (By thing.. I mean first item of food to pass my lips for the day… biscuits, cake, chocolate roll etc etc.. anything that doesn”t actually resemble cerial in any shape or form).

Lunch time arrived and I was actually hungry. Ahh, see, if you don’t fill up on biscuits and god knows what in the morning, you actually have an appetite at lunch time. So I ate a bacon omelette .. one of my favourite things on the SW plan. Yuuuuuum!!

Now this is where it starts to fall apart a bit. I wasn’t organised. Last day of the month means payday. Yesterday.. Old Mother Hubbard syndrome in our house. I planned to go shopping today, but one thing after another cropped up and I still hadn’t been shopping by 4.30pm, and it was now getting towards dinner time and there was nothing in the house for dinner. My belly was starting to grumble again. My stomach was beginning to think my throat had been cut! So off I went shopping. By the time I got back it was getting on for 7pm. By this time, I’m REALLY hungry. I fed Isabelle, put the shopping away, got Isabelle ready and off to bed.. it’s now 8pm. ahhhh naughty naughty! I’ve still not eaten since 12.30 lunch time.. bad bad bad. Too tired by now to cook anything I grab some ryvita’s and cottage cheese. Now this might sound disgusting, but I actually really enjoy it. Once that went down the hatch, my belly quit complaining. It’s now almost 9.30pm and I’m going to have a yogurt and some melon because if I don’t eat something else I’ll be starving in the morning.

So not a great start really, although I’ve stuck to it. I’ve not eaten enough, and I’ve gone too long between eating. But I’ve now shopped, the cupboards no longer belong to old mother hubbard.. and I’m good to go!

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My Story…

September 29, 2009 Leave a comment

A new chapter of ‘My Story’ has been posted.  My Story – The Restart.

I’ve done it.. re-joined

September 29, 2009 1 comment

I have braved the scales this morning and re-joined my SW Class.

It was so heartwarming to be greeted with huge smiles and hugs and so many welcome back’s from the girls I knew in class before. They all said how much they’d missed me and my consultant gave me a huge hug. So nice.

The scales on the other hand weren’t so welcoming! Since stopping class at the end of May, beginning of June, I have gained 1 stone 6.5 pounds. I am so disgusted with myself. How on earth did I let myself do it? It’s just so easy to switch of any sensibility and start pigging out again.

But I can’t dwell on it. What’s done is done, and can now be un-done again. I’m not really letting on how mortified and disgusted I am, I have to put that out of my mind or I will end up abusing myself in my mind and that’s not a good way to re-start my journey to slimdome.

I think the one thing that’s at the front of my mind now is that I’m not as big as I was when I first started, and so any loss will show quicker than it used to. Being so huge when I started meant that I had to lose about 3 stone before anyone noticed. Once that 3 stone was gone, everyone noticed, so any weight losses now will show quicker… if that makes sense.

I really am not looking forward to letting Mark know how much I’ve gained when he gets home tonight. I feel like a naughty schoolgirl. Although he’s very supportive of my weight loss, he really struggles to understand my battle with food and weight. He just doesn’t understand how it can be such a problem. He doesn’t get the psychological side of it all. He did say, however, when I told him I was going back to class, that he was pleased and he said ok, lets get you to where you want to be and then we’ll work on keeping you there and work on the reasons why you over-eat. But it’s very difficult to explain it to a man who has no concept of psychological problems. He’s very much a man of mind over matter and willpower. I don’t work that way. I’m an emotional blob of jelly and meltdown quite easily. He struggles to understand why I need to go to a class each week for a day of reckoning. It keeps me on track, I get the support I need (and we have a laugh). He is of the opinion that if I’ve made my mind up to lose weight, I should just get on with it. Job done.

I have tried to explain to him about how we have to eat to survive and the culture we live in these days is full on promotion of anything that’s bad for you. So much advertising, especially now we’re heading towards Christmas. Everything seems to be about food. Why is it that we, as a culture, seem to think that to gain pleasure we have to eat luxurious, high calorie, high fat foods? But they always look so damned good. Losing weight isn’t like stopping smoking.  You don’t need to have cigarettes in the house, you certainly don’t have them advertised in your face left right and centre every time you turn around. You have the ability to avoid them. You don’t even have to sit and smell them when you go out for a meal or a drink these days what with the ban. But food is everywhere. They even offer it cheap. Buy one get one free meals, buy a meal get a dessert free, two meals for £7.50 etc etc. And of course, the supermarkets have a monopoly on low fat, low cal, healthy foods. They charge the earth for them because they know that us slimmers have to buy them. When I’m doing the SW plan, my shopping bill can easily go up by £30 a week. I have to pay more to eat healthily. Ridiculous!!

Oops, I went off onto a rant then. But… the deed is done.. I’ve faced the scales.. and back on track to a slimmer me 😀

LETS GO!!!

Well, well, well…

September 27, 2009 4 comments

It’s certainly been a long time since my last post on the 7th of June. Yikes! Has it really been that long? woah! Where did the time go?

After returning from our camping trip, I went to class a couple of times and was still going through that agonising on off on off, bit here, bit there syndrome that we hate to get into. Basically.. I gave up! I stopped going to class, stopped following the plan and decided I was fine as I was.

The biggest problem was my brain and eyes weren’t actually connected. My ears and brain were, but the eyes failed. Having lost 4 stone in a relatively short timescale my body had adjusted quite considerably. My clothes size had gone down a few sizes and friends were telling me ‘you look so good’ and ‘wow you look so different, or wow you look great. Ears told the brain, You look great, eyes didn’t participate in the conversation. Brain said, hmm you must look great if everyone is telling you, brain said, job done. Brain then said, eat what you like, but be cautious, you don’t want to put all that weight back on. Unhealthy food started appearing in the cupboards followed by my mouth. aha.. back on to the downward spiral of doom!!

I’d been brainwashed. My body was definately a lot smaller and my brain was telling me (just as my friends were) that I looked good. I did look good, compared to how I looked 4 stone heavier. I was no longer the fattest person in any room. Very quickly I convinced myself without even realising it that I was slim. Because my friends were telling my I looked good, I convinced myself that I did. Even my husband began complimenting me on how much better I was looking. I mistakenly took this to mean I look slim.

So, the healthy eating plan stopped, as did the classes and before long I’m right back into eating and pigging out on high fat, high calorie foods.

Between June and the end of August, I had put 4 lbs on. That wasn’t too bad really. I could handle that. But then my hubby started nagging me and asking when I was going back to class? When was I going to get the rest of my weight off? Bugger off you! I’m fine. Get off my case! Life got very upside down, and so many problems kept popping up and I comfort ate. Why the hell do I do that?

So fast forward to today. For some reason, my eyes have connected to my brain. I can see that I’m nowhere near an acceptable size and weight. I feel fat and bloated and I know that I have put on more than 4lbs. My jeans are tight and I feel terrible.

I will be going back to class on Tuesday morning and I’m feeling positive about it.

The ironic thing is, that I started on the 1st of October last year. The day I go back to class is the 30th of September, the following day is the 1st of October.  I am aiming to lose another 4 stone. I still won’t be at target and will still be in the Obese category on the medical charts, but another 4 stone is my PAT. As before, I’m not setting a timescale, just as and when.

I’m looking forward to going down the clothing sizes again. I feel quite happy about getting back on the plan. Whatever I’ve put on when I go to get weighed doesn’t matter really. I know that the haul won’t be anywhere near as long as it was when I started in October last year. I don’t have to start from the beginning again. It’s part two of my journey. I am feeling positive, my brain is in gear, despite it taking well over a month to get my brain to this place, but I’m good to go!