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Archive for January, 2009

My Story ~ Part III posted

January 31, 2009 Leave a comment

I wake to the [insert sarcasm] glorious sound of my 3 year old yelling, mummy I need a wee!!

Ok, ready to start the day. Once again it is 7am. Coffee.. my first thought is always coffee. My second thought on this particular morning is OMG, I’m on a diet! Shock and panic attack me at once. Oh no, I shouldn’t be thinking like this. Such a negative feeling. I was so positive yesterday, I was actually looking forward to starting the diet and getting the weight off. But now, reality hits. I’m on a diet, that means I can’t pig out on several twixes, chocolate penguins, packets of biscuits.. or whatever. I’m not even down the stairs yet and the flood gates of negativity have opened…. Read More

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The Dieters’ New Clothes

January 31, 2009 Leave a comment

After deciding yesterday that I really ought to get some clothes that actually fit, I trundled off to Asda. Cheap and cheerful (well not exactly cheerful, I’m happy in black!) clothes were the order of the day. The fact that it was payday made things so much easier.

I’m not one for spending money on myself. In fact, I rarely spend money on myself. Even when I do, it’s a minumum amount. Add to this fact that I don’t want to be spending much money on clothes that aren’t going to fit for long, and I was looking for as cheap as possible.

Of course, me being me, wandered around the girls clothes first. My 3 year old has had a growth spurt and her t-shirts no longer cover her belly LOL. So I got a few things for her. Training for how to buy clothes?

The thing with George at Asda, is that they have listened to the British Woman and now stock a plus size section, so obviously I headed straight to it. Completely uninmpressed with their selection, I was ready to head home without new clothes. A top caught my eye, but this was in the ‘normal’ clothing section. Ok it was still a large size, but it was in the normal clothing department. So I wandered and picked things up, put them back and decided on an armful of clothes to go and try on.

Now, anyone who is overweight absolutely hate going into changing rooms. The lighting in changing rooms is terrible and oh god those huge mirrors that show you parts of your body you didn’t even know exist! And how hideous those parts look. These at the bits you have ignored for years because they’re behind you. But these changing room mirrors show all your flaws in full glorious technicolour from any angle you desire (or don’t) to see them from. I avoid changing rooms like the plague! But I really wasn’t sure what size I am, so I took a variety of sizes into the changing rooms knowing full well that if I just took clothes home to try on to find they don’t fit, I wouldn’t take them back. They’d sit in the carrier bag hidden at the back of the wardrobe, recipt in with it so that hubby doesn’t see I’ve wasted his hard earned money again on clothes that don’t fit.

So, in I go! I tried a top on first. Cheered by the fact that this top is 2-3 sizes smaller than I previously had to buy, I tried the combat pants on. eek! They looked hideous! So I tried a pair of trousers on, they fit lovely apart from the leg length. It seems I don’t have standard legs LOL. They were way too long and I really couldn’t be bothered to take 3 inches off the bottom. The strange thing is, that the sizings vary so much, even from the same company. So I still don’t really know what size I am, apart from smaller than 3 months ago.  Even the tops vary so much size wise.

Anyway, I ended up with three new tops, two pairs of jeans (yes, jeans!!!) and a pair of jogging type trousers for bumming around the house in. I spent a grand total of….. £26!! Can you believe that? I can’t LOL. The jeans were £3 each and the tops a fiver. I even managed to get three pairs of knickers for £1 – imagine that, knickers to fit me for a quid! My big comfortable knickers are no longer comfortable.. they’re still big though LOL. They are too loose and they fall down. Imagine walking down the street and your knickers sliding down your legs. What do you do? Step out of them and pick them up? Step out of them and carry on, leaving them there as if nothing happened? or pull them back up so the world can see your big knickers and big butt that goes inside them? No, lets avoid that issue! Buy smaller knickers is the best way to go.

I was quite pleased with myself because I bought a light grey top as well as the obligatory black ones. I tried the grey top on and my darling [cough!] 3 year old said, I don’t think you look very pretty in that. Oh thanks kiddo! She said, you’re having a grey day and you don’t look pretty. Having thought about it for a while and 18 year old son saying, you look really nice.. I came to the conclusion that you have to wear pink to look pretty. Everything has to be pink for my 3 year old, even her knickers!

I think it might be quite some time before I wear pink!

Sack of Spuds!

January 30, 2009 Leave a comment

“Get some new clothes girl, you look like a sack of spuds!”

This is a well meaning compliment from a friend believe it or not LOL.

Yes my clothes are starting to hang off me, but I’m still wearing clothes that I was wearing 3 stone ago. The beauty (if that’s the right word) of baggy, stretchy, elasticated waist clothes is that they strrrreeeeetttttch to mammoth proportions. They also shrink back once they’ve stretched. The problem now, is that they’ve nowhere for them to shrink back to. They are past shrinkability and I have to admit that yes they do look too baggy and they just don’t look good.

So go buy some new clothes I hear you say. The problem is, I’m loathed to go and spent money on clothes that I won’t be wearing for long (note the positivity there? – woohoo). I have clothes in my wardrobe that are about a size and a half down that I was wearing before I got pregnant with my now 3 and a half year old. This in itself is good news because once I’m in them, that means I’m back to where I was  before I got to the ‘I’m a mum I don’t need to look good’ stage. And I’d been that size for quite some time, so any weight off after that is taking me back to looooong time ago territory. But that still leaves me either wandering round like a sack of spuds or wandering around naked, which in all reality is just NOT an option LOL.

The other thing about new clothes is that I’d have to go to ‘The Fat Shop’!!! arghhhh, no don’t do this to me!!

Maybe I should just decide to be Roman and go wandering around in a toga.. hmm, bit chilly this time of year. Indian then and wear a sari? Chinese and wear a kimono? Or maybe I should just start wearing my lovely, fluffy, old dressing gown everywhere. Or perhaps I should actually take a look at George at Asda’s new (albeit very small) selection of 18-30 plus-size (god I hate that word!) clothes and get a couple of pairs of trousers and a couple of t-shirts to see me through to my old wardrobe.

The problem with the Asda clothes is that they seem to be so flowery and frilly. arghhhh. I am so NOT  flowery, frilly person. Plain, simple, no fuss clothes are for me. Generally black.. not a fat person’s black, but rocker black. I’m a rocker at heart.. heavy music! and loud! You just don’t see rockers walking around in frills and flowers – although the thought of it makes me giggle, thinking forward to the Metallica gig I’m going to on the 28th of February – rockers in flowery shirts! LOL. and on that note… I shall say goodbye for now.

Why so fat?

January 29, 2009 1 comment

I don’t know whether it’s because I turned 40 last summer or whether it’s because I am making huge changes to my appearance by losing weight, or whether it’s just the ‘right time’, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, particularly over the past few days. It’s sort of like, taking stock, trying to organise my brain, trying to find the answer to life, the universe and everything (which anyone who has read or seen Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy will know the answer is 42!). Unfortunately, 42 isn’t quite a good enough answer for me.

The odd thing is, that I’ve always cared about my appearance. I’ve always done my hair and makeup. I’ve always made sure my clothes were ‘nice’, even at the larger end of the scale, well until I could only get in what was available. So why, if I care about my appearance so much have I let myself get so fat? Is it wrapping a blanket around my insecurities? Am I climbing into a cocoon? and if so, why? What am I trying to protect myself from? And why am I so insecure? I wonder if the outer-casing, strangely, gives me confidence to be who I am. Everyone has always said what a bubbly, happy go lucky person I am. I’m always laughing and smiling. In fact, I started a sign language course a few years ago and we all had ‘signed’ names. The course instructor gave me the sign name of smiler.  So why do I abuse myself so much by over-eating and getting so fat?

I am looking for excuses and I’m sure I could sit here and pull 101 excuses out, but in reality, they are just excuses. At the end of the day, I’m fat because I eat too much of the wrong things. I seem to have a switch off mechanism so that I don’t even realise I’m eating things. Not now, obviously since I started on the ‘new me’ journey, but prior to that, I would get a packet of biscuits out of the cupboard (not just a couple of biscuits!) and I’d enjoy the first two, then before I knew it and without even realising it I’d gone through the whole packet. Why? I didn’t enjoy them because I didn’t even notice I was eating them. So it wasn’t for comfort because if you don’t realise you’re eating something it’s not going to be comforting is it? The upshot of it all is I’m just greedy! Why have a twix when you can get a king size twix? Why have one king size twix when you can have two? because you know you like them, even though you don’t notice you’re eating the second one. You can’t leave it sat in the packet. And even if you’ve eaten three of the twix sticks, you can’t leave the fourth one in the packet all alone now can you? Well actually.. yes you can! And this is what I have to learn. I can have the things I want, but I have to get a grip and eat them in moderation, not pig out on the whole lot because it’s there.

One of the worst things I find I do is I will binge when I’m alone. I’d rather people didn’t see me eat (alarms ringing for an eating disorder there or what?). I hate people seeing me eat. Does this come from being self conscious of what people think when they see a fat person eat? The ‘look at that fat cow stuffing her face even more? No wonder she’s so fat!’ I don’t know, but I never let anyone see me eat more than 2 biscuits, not even my hubby. But I’d go back into the kitchen and eat 3 or 4 more without him seeing. How stupid is that? Just greedy! There is absolutely no need for it. oink oink!

So, no more binging. I don’t have to feel guilty if I buy a twix (not kingsize!) because eating a twix is fine, it’s the three that follow it that becomes the problem.

No more excuses for myself, acceptance is the next step.

My Story

January 28, 2009 Leave a comment

Roll up, roll up, the first part of ‘My Story‘ is complete. Happy reading 😉 See the link on the right

Gok Wan

January 28, 2009 Leave a comment

Now I love this guy! I’d love to be his best friend. He is the saviour to all fatties in the world. His mission is to get everyone to be happy in their own bodies whatever size or shape they are. Come and live with me Gok! LOL

Anyway… I digress.

Last night Gok presented a TV problem about teenagers being obsese. Gok himself had been an obese teenager hitting 21 stone at his biggest. Who would have thought that the now slim and trim Gok could have been so overweight. Throughout the programme he talked about himself and his feelings about himself and his obesity. He actually shut 7 years of his life out because it was too painful. I can relate to that! Luckily though, I wasn’t bullied for being overweight. Although I was a size 14 at school (never a rake I’m afraid) I only put vast amounts of weight on when I had my first baby.

The programme was very good, and I enjoyed listening to Gok revealing his self esteem problems and lack of confidence, even as a slim person.

Mark watched the programme with me and a lot of the time there were ‘humphs’ coming from the sofa. He didn’t agree with what was being said and he couldn’t understand how these 30 stone teenagers (15 yrs old) were thinking of suicide. Mark is very much a problem solution guy. Here’s the problem and here’s how you fix it. But in real life, the solution doesn’t always work because there are so many factors that branch off, you don’t know how to deal with the branches to be able to get to the root of the problem.

Gok also briefly interviewed the other fat person’s saviour, Dawn French. Dawn is happy in her body, she doesn’t care (she says she doesn’t) about what size she is and that the main thing is YOU have to be happy with the size you are.  Dawn says, it’s ok to be fat if you’re happy with it. So Mark said, she’s right. Yes she is right, but how many fatties are actually happy with being the size they are? I know I’m not.

So this all led on to a discussion with Mark. OMG… talk about raw nerves and making me feel so uncomfortable. But I know I need to talk about it. I am not a talker by nature, despite what those that know me might say.. I’m a surface talker. Very rarely do you get ‘inside’ my head and find out my real thoughts and emotions about myself. I don’t like what’s in there so I don’t discuss it, especially when it comes to my weight, size and what is obviously an eating disorder.

Mark and I don’t often talk this indepth on very personal matters because we are both very defensive and both struggle to handle these innermost demons. But, talk we did, and I didn’t end up in tears.. first achievement! I did get up and wander around while talking LOL, and I did tell him that I was very uncomfortable and in deep water in a place I didn’t like to be. The normal bolshy, single minded, pig headed husband that I have actually listened. I tried to explain that I didn’t really know how to talk about my eating problems and that it might come out a bit jumbled and all over the place.

Mark is worried that when I get to a weight that I’m comfortable with, that I will have problems dealing with a normal eating pattern. I know that I am going to have to attend Slimming World for the rest of my life, even when I’m at target weight, whatever that may be when I get there. Lets face it, target weight is still a long way off when I still have 7 stone to lose!  He doesn’t seem to understand that SW helps and teaches you how to maintain a healthy weight. I think Mark’s biggest concern is that I’m not dealing with the crux of the problem of why I over-eat, binge, pig out.. whatever you want to call it. He’s concerned about my self esteem, how I can improve it, why I feel I have to lose so much weight, why I’ve never been happy with myself no matter what weight I am.

There’s no way I can deal with a self esteem issue when I look like this. So in my mind, that door is closed and locked tightly thank you very much, and I will open the door when I feel better about how I look and then face the problems, deal with them and hopefully sort them out.

One thing that did come from the conversation last night is that I put weight on after I’ve had a baby. Now there’s a problem solved! Don’t have any more babies… LOL At 40 years old, there’s no way I’m having anymore babies thank you very much. Again this comes back to the good old female hormones! I have produced baby, I will now nurture baby, I no longer need to reproduce, so I no longer need to look attractive to caveman in the house, and voila.. I let myself go. Baby gets to 2 or 3 years old, hormones kick back in ready to reproduce again, brain says.. omg you fat cow, do something to be attractive to caveman again, and out come the diet books. The circle of life? Not this time! This is going to be the rest of my life, which doesn’t include more babies unless they are grandchildren. I am determined to get to a comfortable weight, where I look good in the clothes I want to wear not the clothes I have to wear because they fit (sort of) and then I will tackle the head demons and control the urge to binge.

Week 17 WI

January 28, 2009 Leave a comment

Loss this week: 3.5lbs
Loss in total: 46.5lbs (3 stone 1/2lb)
% Loss total: 15.05
Start BMI: 49.4
Current BMI: 42

Today was week 17 weigh in. A much better result and a much happier person than the past three weeks. I don’t know why the slow down, maybe a plateau? I’ve stuck to the plan, despite having a horrendous cold and then sinus infection, I still didn’t comfort eat. But a 3 and a half pound loss this week brings me to a total loss of 3 stone and half a pound!! I am really pleased.

I’ve had to give myself a good talking to. Why is it that we put so much pressure on ourselves when we need to lose weight? It doesn’t go on overnight (although it might seem like it sometimes) so there is no way on this earth that it’s going to come off overnight either!! We set ourselves goals and get disappointed and dispondent if we don’t meet them. It’s crazy really, yet we can’t help saying, oh by such and such an event, I want to have lost X amount of pounds/stones/tonnes you get the drift.

A pound off is a pound off, why is that not acceptable? Just think how big a pound feels when it’s a pound on.. so why does a pound seem like a tiny weeny amount when it’s a pound off?

So I’m feeling positive again after being down in the dumps for the past three weeks and off I go… I’m not going to set a target to get to for summer, because whatever I lose between now and the summer will be great. I’m 3 stone lighter than I was last summer so that’s a bonus already! I’m looking forward to not being hot and sticky and sore in parts that shouldn’t even know what sore is LOL, and also looking forward to joining in family outings instead of sitting on the sidelines watching hubby run around with the 3 yr old while I laugh sadly wishing it was me running around like a loony with them.